Jesus and Terrorists: Live Blogging the Mets-Padres Drunk

Hypothetically speaking, if you lived in New York City, New York, and you were given the choice between being a follower of the Judeo-Christian faith or being a Muslim, and you knew the positives and negatives of both, why the fuck would you choose to be a fucking New York Mets fan? Is it the promise of everlasting life? The 41 virgins (the ones in Queens)? Yes, I realize your other choice is to back the Fucking Yankees, but still. If I'm going to be a douche-bag, I'm going to be a winning douche-bag. Just like if I'm going to be spiritual (a term I stole from my girlfriend) I'm going to be a fucking gun toting, Jesus fearing, (mostly) Caucasian, dirty fucking rich Christian. The other would be like turning down tickets to the World Series for tickets to the Special Olympics Pants Shitting Finals. Like living in Canada and being a Curling diehard. Like choosing American Soccer over American Idol. All are ridiculously easy options.

(And speaking of Muslims. Bombing this beautiful new ShitiField would only raise this country's IQ. That's an economic stimulus I can believe in. Now that's patriotism.)

These aren't the Brooklyn Dodgers we're talking about. It's the Mets. It's the team with zero no-hitters and even less class. If your "Legends" include Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden maybe it's time to pick one of the other 29 teams to root for (Yes, even the Royals are a better choice). You're team is named after... Who the fuck knows. A city? THE city? Cities? The Suburbs? Superman's home? Fuck! Why don't they just call themselves the New York Afterthoughts?

And Frankie Says what? Your nickname is K-Rod. Get over it. I wouldn't want a nickname based on Alex Rodriguez's either, but it's too late. I hope you season stats consist of 2 saves, 5 blown saves and 1 ruptured spleen. I'm watching Monday Night Baseball and according to Steve Philips, if you don't like being called K-Rod you should try Oral. Yes, that is actually a real quote from the broadcast. I don't know what he's implying, but I agree. And just as I typed that he said "Don't let 'The Arm' waggle down." You can't make this shit up.

And did anyone notice the EA, David Wright post-game interview? Erin is smitten. It's so cute. I bet she has "David & Erin Forever" written all over her Trapper Keeper.

Apparently, San Diego won. The drinking game tonight consisted of drinking every time the "new stadium" was mentioned, so I'm heading to the hospital for alcohol poisoning(don't worry, I'm driving myself). Stay classy San Diego.

The Micheal Vick Facebook Interview

Recently we sat down with recently indicted NFL star Michael Vick and asked him a couple of questions via the Interview application on Facebook. We thought that the questions being posed to him by the general mass media were all very similar, and he was probably tired of answering those, so we let a Facebook application do the owrk for us. I think our method worked fabulously. The answers were flowing like wine or at least wine coolers and we got some very candid answers from him right off the bat (when I say right off the bat I am still talking about his answers, not puppy heads). Here we go:

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Although I prefer not to call them pets, I got 19 pitbull terriers. They names Goliath, Bitchbiter, Bonecrusher, Ookie Jr, Stompyou, K-9 Terminata, Slam, Pimpcup, Salivacious, Lucious, Malicious, Dishwax, Bigstaxx, L, Money, O.K.Playa, Deuteronomy, O.J. and FoShoToBeElectrocuted.

what do you think they eat in heaven?
I'm guessing a mix of Purina Puppy Chow and ground beef. That was my previous dog Babykilla's favorite.

What are your "comfy clothes"?
My Roc-a-wear jumpsuit. It da easiest to wash blood stains off of. It be da easiest to fall asleep in.

if you were one of the seven dwarfs, who would you be?
Ookie, bitch.

Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Rolling stones don't work dat good(I prefer throwing them like a football) and VWs don't have dat horsepowa to kill underperforming dogs.

Coke or Pepsi?
I'm gonna go wit da blow.

If you were one word, what word would you be?
God.

What is the name of your truest friend???
Michael Vick a.k.a Ron Mexico a.k.a Ookie, bitch a.k.a. Inmate No.7 son.

Favorite Rapper?
Adam "Pacman" Jones.

Whats your favorite sport?
Dogfighting. No wait, football. Nah, def dogfighting. It jus my thang, you know?

Riding horses or riding dolphins?
I don't fuck wit animals no more.

left handed or right handed?
I usualy be better at hanging underperforming dogs with my left, but I roll wit da right when it come to tazering them.

do you plan in advance?
Always. I never be lettin my dog in the ring without a scouting report on they underperforming dog.

How many hobbies do you have
The fuck is a hobbie? Is dat a breed?

What makes you cry?
Underperforming dogs.

What makes you laugh?
Underperforming dogs. Haha.

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
A badass pitbull, named Reefer. And then I would bet on myslef in fights against da other animals and be da baddest, richest bitch in da woods.

What do you do for fun?
Ride dirtbikes? (over underperforming dogs)

Are you an outdoor or an indoor person?
Well, the outdoors usually provide more room for an arena, but are also a riskier area because of they visibility to dem police helicopters.

What are you most proud of in your life?
My bitch Ookie Jr. She be currently 14-0 and the reigning BNK champion. Ooops! I mean she a great bitch. I mean bitch. I mean dog. /"Where dat blow at?"